Anxiety-Riddled Uncertainty
I resigned.
This past week I submitted my resignation from my position at work. Social work is just not what it used to be. It has always been stressful, it has always been mentally taxing, but I feel as though the emphasis is on paperwork and numbers more so than the people. I love making connections with kids and families. Even the ones that are difficult and need several reminders to complete things. But recently, the connections with families have been lost, placed on the back burner to completing paperwork by certain deadlines and prioritizing those deadlines over family circumstances. Caseloads are high. Changes are constant. Documentation is never-ending. This is not sustainable for me.
As a creative, being tapped of my mental resources is detrimental to my art. There is already so much to life that takes away my time and concentration but having a job that depletes my mental capacity for creativity is unacceptable. It’s time for a change. And I won’t lie and say that I am confident in this transition or that I have the next steps all planned out. The truth is, I am anxious. Despite having savings, despite having a consistent work history on my resume, I am anxious about the future. So anxious at times that I feel stuck to my couch or my bed. Aimlessly scrolling social media to distract my mind from the “doom” thoughts taking over my head.
In a perfect world, I would be able to live off my craft. My days could be spent writing new poetry and formatting poetry books. Maybe a few live readings here and there, but that is not my current reality. I am chasing that. In the meantime, I have to sacrifice my time working somewhere for a consistent paycheck. Because rent is high, groceries are high, gas prices are high, it is expensive to live!
This is a reminder to take a deep breath. Hold it. And exhale slowly.
Everything will work out as it’s supposed to, when it’s supposed to.
To all creatives balancing work and creativity, I see you! I am you! Blessings on your path to self-sustained success.
Photo by Ricky Kharawala, @sweetmangostudios
TASTE
A New Year, a new creative venutre!
I have always enjoyed poetry, but sensual poetry really is a love language. I’ve written sensual pieces here and there and even performed a few. I thought about publishing a book of sensual poetry but I was always scared to take that chance. In a lot of ways, speaking openly about sex is still taboo. Even if done so in an art form! That is crazy to me because sex is normal part of most people’s lives. Why not talk about it? Why not celebrate it?
So, I decided to finally stop being scared. I’m publishing a taste of sensual poetry in a short-form sensual poetry book. And to add a cherry on top, it will be accompanied by an audiobook! I truly believe that adds to the sensual poetry experience. You can read along while listening to a sultry voice. If my readers really wanna spice it up, read along by candlelight in lingerie (or whatever feels sexy!) and with a lil somethin to sip on. There’s so many ways you could experience this poetry. I can’t wait for everyone to read and hear it!
A sneak peek poem from TASTE is on the Poems page :)
Re-Centering
Happy Sunday, readers. Today’s post is dedicated to re-centering after a crazy busy week. I hope this can help you breathe and reset before the new week officially starts.
Sun - Fri of last week, I was on full-time Auntie duties to my nephews. Jared, a 17-year-old; Jeremiah, a 10-year-old; and Elijah, a 6-year-old. As you can probably imagine, the 6-year-old tried to run the show. Elijah was my alarm clock, my mealtime timer, and TV guide (only Mr. Beast or Roblox YT videos were allowed). Jeremiah needed constant activity so, if we were in the house he was rolling on the couch and the floor. Sometimes he ran laps around my apartment or wrestled with his brothers. It’s safe to say he got me outside of the apartment very often. He needed outdoor spaces to flip, roll, scream, etc. Jared was much more tame, but still engaged. He preferred to go out thrifting/shopping and using my mom’s MacBook. Jared needed opportunities to exercise his independence so, I let him drive my car to and from the store (He’s a great driver!). While we were in the store, he got to pick some things he wanted without his younger brothers chiming in and I could tell he enjoyed being in charge for a few moments.
Having nephews at 3 different ages, with 3 different interests/personalities really challenged me to find ways to keep all 3 of them occupied and content. Last week really was a whirlwind of activities and running around. From Sky Zone to Hilger Family Farm to thrifting to movie nights, Auntie is tired! I spent most of my Saturday catching up on my sleep. Today, is all about re-centering. I plan on doing a short meditation, writing some poetry, sipping some wine, and unwinding with some good RnB music. What helps you re-center?
*New Poem on the Poems Page*
Make Peace and Be Grateful
It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity of life and life’s circumstances. Especially when you have such a desire for something that just feels unattainable. Or maybe that “thing” just isn’t meant to be. Recently, I experienced a loss of hope after a disappointing confirmation that one of my dreams was not coming true. At least, not yet.
This past birthday, my dad shared a childhood photo of me in our family group chat. In the photo I was holding a baby doll in my lap and giving the baby a bottle. My sister and I laughed about how I seemingly raised all my kids already because I had a constant rotation of baby dolls that I cared for throughout my childhood years. I’ve always loved kids, even as a kid myself.
Fast forward to the births of my nephews. I was elated every single time at the opportunity to love on babies and help nurture them. Diaper changes, rocking to sleep, bottle feeding, etc. I was hands-on with my nephews. And I always have been. My sister’s kids are my heartbeat and I genuinely love them like they are my own kids.
My own kids. *Deep exhale* I can’t even explain the joy and excitement I feel when I think about being a mom someday. I’ve always wanted a “crew” of my own, 4 kids to be exact. But, I’ve never rushed the process or simply involved myself with someone for the sake of becoming pregnant. I knew I wanted a life partner, marriage, a 2-parent household for my future kids. And I believe God has now placed that person in my life. I also knew how important it was for me to be mentally and emotionally healthy, financially stable, and secure in my own being before having kids. So, I’ve spent years healing, saving, and obtaining overall well-being. Not just to be the healthiest mom I can be, but to be the healthiest ME I can be.
I sat on pins and needles for days on end contemplating if now was the time. My body was changing. Could I really be pregnant? I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. There was a chance this could be a false alarm. But it felt like this was really happening. Until it didn’t.
And just like that, the possibility became an impossibility. I admit, I was a bit overzealous in my thinking. I was just plain optimistic and not cautiously so. I jumped into planning and preparing for a new little one without really preparing myself for what to do if I wasn’t pregnant. This whole experience has been humbling, for sure, and I’m still processing it through fully. And of course, following up with my doctor.
I’ve decided to make peace with this and continue on with gratitude. God has blessed me abundantly and I have a lot to be grateful for. I can never say it enough, Thank God for therapy. I am so much healthier because of it. I know what is meant for me, will happen when it is meant to happen.
Live life with an attitude of gratitude.
New poem on the Poems page.
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson, @gabriellefaithhenderson
What is Sensual/Erotic Poetry?
Sensual Poetry: poetry that refers to what is experienced through the senses in a favorable or literal way.
Erotic Poetry: poetry that deals with transcendence and can titillate, turn on, and engage the imagination of the reader.
This is an art form that is so deeply personal and extremely hard to do well. Not only are you creating sights, smells, feelings, etc. for your readers/audience, you are also doing so with finesse. I use sexual language in my sensual/erotic poetry but most of the time I challenge myself to use metaphors for sexual experiences. Sometimes, I don’t allow myself to use explicit sexual words at all. That, to me, is the poetry piece of sensual/erotic poetry. Anyone can write explicit sexual material, but not many can do so with tact and craft.
Now, let’s add another layer: Visuals. I love this part of sensual/erotic poetry because you have to be so connected to and comfortable in your body to create visuals for this type of poetry. As a sexual assault survivor, this is incredibly empowering for me! My body is mine. I show as much, or as little, of it as I want to illustrate my poetry. An example of this is when I created my mini series of sensual/erotic poetry Body in Bloom (pictured to the right) using fresh flowers. I was completely naked behind the flowers and I chose how much skin I wanted to show. It depended on the image I wanted to create and how much I wanted to activate the readers/audience’s imagination. Creativity is key!
Last layer I want to add: Performance. The tone and volume of your voice, pace of reading, emphasis on certain words, intentional pauses, etc. are HUGE to performing sensual/erotic poetry well. My goal is to always create a vibe. I envision sensual/erotic settings like candlelight dinners and strawberries & whipped cream to help me lean into a sexy delivery. If I’m performing with a mic, I might use my body to create imagery for my audience. Slide my hands across my curves, run my fingers through my hair, etc. It really is an exhilarating art form.
Lean into your sensual/erotic side this weekend ;)
*New poem on the Poems page*