Liberation
My emotions have been stirring in me for weeks. Everything came to a head last night as I tossed and turned trying desperately to drift off to sleep. I spoke to God, knowing He was working me. But I didn’t know why, just yet. Despite being in emotional discomfort, my body finally gave and sank into the mattress. Waking up was a bit disorienting. It felt as though I had been on a journey but no idea where or how I trekked. No recollection of what I experienced along the way. So, I brewed some coffee as discomfort brewed, again, inside of me. I sat down on my couch. Glanced at the calendar, fully aware of today’s “holiday”. Freedom for some. Not for most. I opened my laptop while my apartment filled with the aroma of caramel truffle coffee and opened a file filled with poetry. I scanned through the documents and landed on the one I’ve been putting off. Poetry for an upcoming performance. The discomfort brewed, again. My coffee maker groaned and rumbled in the background. I took a deep breath and opened the document. I read the first few lines. My chest tightened. I pushed my laptop away and retreated into the safety of a coffee mug. Sipping in silence.
I took a few more deep breaths and returned to the couch. Sank back into the cushion and read my poem with intent. What was I trying to say? What pushed me to write this? Questions I pondered after I read and re-read the poem a few times. I sipped my coffee again. And again. I set my coffee mug down and picked apart each stanza with surgical precision. My eyes locked in on three words: childhood love story. A mild headache pressed into my forehead. My eyes welled up with tears. My shoulders dropped and emotion poured out. This. This is why I wrote the poem. I was trapped in nostalgia, remembering the teenage boyfriend I had over a decade ago. The boyfriend who called me several times a week. The boyfriend who visited me at my childhood home. The boyfriend who spent hours and hours with me doing mostly nothing. The boyfriend who was present. The boyfriend who dedicated so much of his time and energy into me, and us.
This was the boyfriend I had been missing for years. But wow, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. My boyfriend cannot be that anymore. It’s so unrealistic. When we were teens, our lives were still mostly handled by others. Parents, school, etc. We didn’t have to worry about bills, or finances, or where our next meal was coming from. So, of course we could both be more attentive. Of course we could spend hours of our days together without a care in the world. Life was different then. And life is much different now.
Guilt and grief surged to the surface. I recalled the times I lashed out at my boyfriend. The times I was a tornado of emotion, wrecking everything in my path. Including him. I loathed the memories of times I flirted with the idea of someone else being something my boyfriend could not. And the moments I contemplated trying something new with someone else. Leaving my boyfriend behind. Everything made sense. Now. I was so focused on the stability and security I was providing, that I lost sight of the stability and security my boyfriend provided. Every milestone. He was there. Every hard day. He was there. Every good day. He was there. He always showed up. My vision was tainted with expectation so I couldn’t see how he showed up.
It’s true that he has not always given full effort and there were times when I did feel alone as a result. And that was a big part of why our engagement ended. But I also know, now, that I wanted him to show up a certain way. With flowers and romantic bravado. Instead of appreciating how he did show up. With late night conversation and tenderness. With unwavering support and unconditional love. And the many other ways he still shows up for me. It’s time I appreciate the man I have today instead of yearning for a past version of him. It’s time I took full accountability for my role in my own unhappiness and apologize to my boyfriend for my lack of understanding. It’s time I focus on the present and leave our childhood love story in the past, where it belongs.
God knew what He was doing on this day, July 4, 2025. And I thank Him for providing a long-awaited liberation.
