Grief: Three Things I’m Sitting With

Lately, I’ve been sitting with a few things. Not to solve them. Just to notice them.

1. A feeling
An unresolved ache of missing Grandma’s home. A constant throb that threatens to burst through the levee I built for my tears. I feel it most when I drive past her house. She still owns the house. It still stands on the southside of town but there is no glow to the windows. No warmth to its presence. A mere shell of its former self. It’s just not the same without her there.

2. A realization
This ongoing ache is meant to prevent me from ignoring my grief. As painful as it is, this ache keeps me present in times when I just want to mentally disappear. To numb myself out. It keeps me grounded in my pain so I can continue to grow through my grief. It’s a blessing and a curse.

3. A practice or intention
I’m learning to allow myself to grieve. This change is hard and emotionally grueling. I’ve literally watched myself go from being cared for by my grandma to becoming her caregiver. The roles have reversed but the love remains the same, if not stronger. I need to lean into that love when grief becomes so heavy. Easier said than done, but I am trying. That is all I can do.

Photo by Peter Herrmann, @tama66. *Not my grandma’s house.

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