Thank God for Therapy

Timelines being lengthened. Deadlines passing by. Adjustment after adjustment after adjustment needing to be made. My heart rate is increasing as I write this because even thinking about my next book makes me anxious. I’m afraid of disappointing my readers, disappointing my family, disappointing myself, and really afraid of disappointment in general.

I put so much pressure on myself. An unhealthy coping mechanism I learned from childhood. This shit is deeply ingrained. Like, if I say I’m going to accomplish something by a certain time, I have to do it. Regardless of what life throws at me.

*Inhale…exhale*

Now, I’m leaning into my therapeutic coping mechanisms:

First of all, GIRL!, you were working 2 jobs and pulling 16 hour workdays for months in a row to make ends meet. You reworked your financial budget, cancelled your Mexico trip, and got serious about saving. You pay 1000% of your own shit. Rent, car note, electric, gas bill, etc. Everything! In a piss-poor economy where the price of gas, groceries, rent, is fucking skyrocketing. That’s some tough shit, yet you still do it.

Secondly, GIRL!, the past year has been rough. A lot of the content in this next book has to do with this past year. So, it’s understandable that some of it is hard to write about and some things may need to wait for another book. That is okay! There is plenty of writing to be done.

And lastly, GIRL!, you deal with mentally draining mental health diagnoses DAILY that make functioning through life difficult. You get out of bed, even when it feels like you can’t. You make shit happen, even when your mind only sees failure. Survivorhood looks good on you! And you will continue to push through.

*Inhale…exhale*

Thank God for therapy.

Photo by Stephen Harlan, @gogostevie

Grown Woman

Now at 27, I am still young but also quite grown. I’m reaching a point in my mental and emotional maturity that feels great. I’m becoming more appreciative of my own company. And I notice that I’m less concerned about being in a relationship. I value human connection, but no longer crave the “extras” that come with it, like sex and affection. Which may seem astounding since I am a very affectionate and sexual person. I’ve always been someone who prioritizes genuine connection over sexual attraction, but at times I have rushed into a “situationship” out of loneliness. Even writing that makes me cringe. But you live and you learn.

As we move into the colder months of the year, aka “cuffing season” lol, my focus is on me and my poetry. I will continue to explore the connections I’ve made with other people and keep myself open to new connections, but I won’t force anything. If it waters me, I will nurture it. If it drains me, I will cut it off. Writing that makes me smile and I can hear my therapist saying “I know that’s right!” in my head. I’ve come too far in my healing and growth journey to go backwards for the sake of a man, woman, or person in general. Because I value my peace and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. Cheers to self-love and grown womanhood.

New poem on the Poems page :)

Tired

You carry it all on your own
Way too much is on your mind
But nobody knows, no
'Cause nobody asks, yeah
You don't like havin' to wait on no one else
Girl, they always seem to disappoint you
Ooh, I know what you think when no one's around
There's no else to blame or let you down

When you're tired

-dvsn — Tired

I’ve been listening to this song on loop. It highlights how I feel. Highlights things I think. I’m tired. I wrote a post back in May titled “Isolation Period” where I said I was gonna take a break from dating and love-life shit and blah blah blah. It was bullshit. It’s always bullshit because I’m always running from the true problem: I hate being alone.

I’m scared to be alone because I don’t know how to be alone. Let’s break this down. I know how to live alone, (I actually really enjoy having my own apartment and having my own space!) but I’m scared to be alone in a social sense. I miss having local friends to go out with and I miss having a local partner to go on dates with every so often.

So, to cope, I entertain people, feelings, situations, when I shouldn’t. I convince myself I’m “ready” for people, feelings, situations, when I’m not. It always comes crashing down. Always. And at the end of the day, people get hurt. Not just me.

Now, let’s dig a little deeper. My hometown is not the same for me anymore since the breakup with my ex. I’m no longer happy living here. There’s too many memories and reminders of heartbreak. I never wanted to stay in my hometown forever, but I loved it a lot more when I was living with my ex because he was my best friend. We did everything together. But he’s always had more friends and family here. So, when we broke up I lost him and his village. That was tough. And I still haven’t fully recovered from that loss.

Moving forward I am really trying to do better and to be more intentional with my healing. No more timelines, no more expectations. Just focusing on moving on with my life and pursuing my passions. Alone.

*Inhale* …*Exhale*

New poem on the Poems page

Happy Anniversary!

One year ago, on May 14, 2022, I published my first poetry book. This book, If Tears Could Talk, will forever be my creative baby. The writing journey alone was an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I was self-confident and others I was caught up in self-doubt, but I pushed through the negativity to accomplish a life goal. And I am so, so elated to be able to say, “I did it!”

Join me in celebrating the one-year-anniversary of my first book! Yes, it is still for sale on Amazon. Click the button below to get a copy :)

Buy A Copy Here!

Isolation Period

*Deep Sigh*

Let’s just say I’ve been careless with my feelings and my heart recently. I’ve gotten swept up in my emotions while ignoring the logic screaming in my face to run and get away from certain situations and certain people. I ask myself “Why the fuck do I do this?” to understand why I don’t give a fuck about my own feelings and risk my heart getting harmed every single time. Truth is, ever since the split from my ex-fiancé, I’ve been floating through spaces and absorbing the sunshine in them, even if only temporary, to escape the darkness I fear. But that bullshit is done. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. More times than not, I am the one who is hurt. Fuck that. I’m taking a hiatus from dating, sex, and all things romance for a few months. I need to focus on my writing and pouring back into myself because so much has been taken from me. And I’m tired of being robbed.

Check out the Poems page for two new poems! Photo by Josh Nuttall, @jjnuttall