Grown Woman
Now at 27, I am still young but also quite grown. I’m reaching a point in my mental and emotional maturity that feels great. I’m becoming more appreciative of my own company. And I notice that I’m less concerned about being in a relationship. I value human connection, but no longer crave the “extras” that come with it, like sex and affection. Which may seem astounding since I am a very affectionate and sexual person. I’ve always been someone who prioritizes genuine connection over sexual attraction, but at times I have rushed into a “situationship” out of loneliness. Even writing that makes me cringe. But you live and you learn.
As we move into the colder months of the year, aka “cuffing season” lol, my focus is on me and my poetry. I will continue to explore the connections I’ve made with other people and keep myself open to new connections, but I won’t force anything. If it waters me, I will nurture it. If it drains me, I will cut it off. Writing that makes me smile and I can hear my therapist saying “I know that’s right!” in my head. I’ve come too far in my healing and growth journey to go backwards for the sake of a man, woman, or person in general. Because I value my peace and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. Cheers to self-love and grown womanhood.
New poem on the Poems page :)
Tired
You carry it all on your own
Way too much is on your mind
But nobody knows, no
'Cause nobody asks, yeah
You don't like havin' to wait on no one else
Girl, they always seem to disappoint you
Ooh, I know what you think when no one's around
There's no else to blame or let you down
When you're tired
-dvsn — Tired
I’ve been listening to this song on loop. It highlights how I feel. Highlights things I think. I’m tired. I wrote a post back in May titled “Isolation Period” where I said I was gonna take a break from dating and love-life shit and blah blah blah. It was bullshit. It’s always bullshit because I’m always running from the true problem: I hate being alone.
I’m scared to be alone because I don’t know how to be alone. Let’s break this down. I know how to live alone, (I actually really enjoy having my own apartment and having my own space!) but I’m scared to be alone in a social sense. I miss having local friends to go out with and I miss having a local partner to go on dates with every so often.
So, to cope, I entertain people, feelings, situations, when I shouldn’t. I convince myself I’m “ready” for people, feelings, situations, when I’m not. It always comes crashing down. Always. And at the end of the day, people get hurt. Not just me.
Now, let’s dig a little deeper. My hometown is not the same for me anymore since the breakup with my ex. I’m no longer happy living here. There’s too many memories and reminders of heartbreak. I never wanted to stay in my hometown forever, but I loved it a lot more when I was living with my ex because he was my best friend. We did everything together. But he’s always had more friends and family here. So, when we broke up I lost him and his village. That was tough. And I still haven’t fully recovered from that loss.
Moving forward I am really trying to do better and to be more intentional with my healing. No more timelines, no more expectations. Just focusing on moving on with my life and pursuing my passions. Alone.
*Inhale* …*Exhale*
New poem on the Poems page
Happy Anniversary!
One year ago, on March 14, 2022, I published my first poetry book. This book, If Tears Could Talk, will forever be my creative baby. The writing journey alone was an emotional rollercoaster. Some days I was self-confident and others I was caught up in self-doubt, but I pushed through the negativity to accomplish a life goal. And I am so, so elated to be able to say, “I did it!”
Join me in celebrating the one-year-anniversary of my first book! Yes, it is still for sale on Amazon. Click the button below to get a copy :)
Isolation Period
*Deep Sigh*
Let’s just say I’ve been careless with my feelings and my heart recently. I’ve gotten swept up in my emotions while ignoring the logic screaming in my face to run and get away from certain situations and certain people. I ask myself “Why the fuck do I do this?” to understand why I don’t give a fuck about my own feelings and risk my heart getting harmed every single time. Truth is, ever since the split from my ex-fiancé, I’ve been floating through spaces and absorbing the sunshine in them, even if only temporary, to escape the darkness I fear. But that bullshit is done. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. More times than not, I am the one who is hurt. Fuck that. I’m taking a hiatus from dating, sex, and all things romance for a few months. I need to focus on my writing and pouring back into myself because so much has been taken from me. And I’m tired of being robbed.
Check out the Poems page for two new poems! Photo by Josh Nuttall, @jjnuttall
B’ham Trip
My trip to Birmingham, AL was a good one. I was there for about a week. Yet, with everything that was packed into that timeframe the time flew by. I traveled down there to meet a woman I was interested in dating. Although that part did not end up working out, I am grateful to her for showing me so many sites and taking me to get good coffee every day!
Days 1-2 we stayed local. I tried Cheesecake Factory for the first time and was very much impressed. The tiramisu cheesecake was definitely the highlight of the night. We went to the McWane Science Center and I loved the interactive exhibits. They reminded me of the interactive science museums I went to as a kid.
Day 3 we traveled to Montgomery, AL to visit the Legacy Museum and Memorial Gardens. This was the most impactful part of the trip. It was a day full of Black trauma, but the way the museum honored the lives of my ancestors and memorialized their legacy was beautiful. Incredibly done and very powerful. I learned so much more about enslavement, lynchings, and mass incarcerations. I recommend any and every one to make a trip to the Legacy Museum at some point. Check out the button at the bottom of this post for more information about the Legacy Museum! We ended the night with a drive in movie—my first drive in movie experience! It was pretty great.
We went to the MASSIVE Birmingham Botanical Gardens on Day 4 and wow! there was a lot to see. So many gardens within a garden. The greenery just went on for miles and miles. My favorite garden was the Japanese Garden because of the structures and huge pond in the middle. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed wandering through nature. That evening we went out to dinner and stopped by a gay bar afterwards. Being in that gay space was another highlight of the trip. So much shade being thrown and laughter galore. I mean it when I say, I feel most at home with my queer family in spaces created for us <3
Back on the road again for Day 5. This time to Huntsville, AL to visit the Space & Rocket Center. We chopped it up with a rocket scientist for a while and got some firsthand insight to some of the challenges NASA and space engineers have faced over the the years. There was a little boy who was walking around in his blue spacesuit so excited that he graduated Space Camp! What an honor to be able to congratulate him on such an accomplishment! After the space museum we drove downtown to spend some time at Big Spring Park. This park was a sight to see! Beautiful grounds and lovely water features throughout the park. The picture in the bottom left of the collage is me on one of the bridges that expanded over an ever flowing river that runs through the heart of the park. Lastly, we went to The Vulcan in downtown B’ham to get experience the vantage point of the city. Since we went at night, we got to see the city’s skyline lit up in lights. What a vision! Oh—and we took the stairs up instead of the elevator. Got our exercise in, lol.
Day 6 was a lowkey day. We grabbed brunch at Flying Biscuit (S/O to Sage for the top tier flight of mimosas!), explored a local Tradarius Johnson’s (Trader Joe’s, lol), and visited some watering holes off the beaten path. It was tranquil out there by those watering holes. A serene scene of trees and water currents. We found some rocks to skip and spent some time just taking in the fresh air. Afterward, we stopped by a cat café, Gatos & Beans. Of course I had all the cats going crazy with a few toys. My favorite cat was Sally. She was a wild 10 month old kitten that reminded me of my booboo ShaQuay. If I could’ve taken her back home with me, I would’ve!
I really only had the morning of Day 7 to spend in the city before heading to the airport. We stopped to grab coffee at a coffee shop called Santos and the coffee was fantastic! I spent some time reflecting on the trip while waiting to board my flight. Although the ending was bittersweet, I enjoyed my stay and I’m glad I got to see so much in so few days.
There were more sites, food, and adventures mixed in the trip but I think this is a good synopsis of what I experienced.
Cheers to traveling in 2023!